If you go to work tomorrow and your boss screamed and yelled at you, you would feel pretty bad. In fact, you may even yell back, resign and walk out if your livelihood did not depend on it. Yet when parents scream at their kids, they seem to think that they can do it with impunity.
ScreamFree Parenting. The words jumped off the pages of Straits Times1, even as I grappled with the issue on how kids should be raised. Hal Runkel, the founder of ScreamFree Parenting, wrote in the preface to his book of the same title, “I believe God is the original ScreamFree Parent to us all, and his way of relating with himself and with others is the model I teach and try to live. These ScreamFree principles are biblical principles.”2
Since his book is so popular, I guess I am not the only screaming parent around.
The magnitude of the problem
In a survey3, 150 children between 9 to 12 years old were asked to write their answers to two questions:
• What do you like most about your mother?
• What do you dislike most about your mother?
Although the answers the first question varied, the answer to the second did not. Almost all used the phrase ‘her screaming’ in their answers to the second question.
In a seminal4 paper to document the extend of psychological aggression (the psychologist’s term for screaming and yelling at your kids) by American parents, researchers looked at the self-reported prevalence of 5 different levels of psychological aggression (shouted/yelled/screamed; threatened to spank; swore/cursed; called name e.g.lazy,dumb; threatened to kick out of house – the latter 3 being categorised as severe psychological aggression) in a nationally representative sample of 991 parents with children 17 years and below. They reported that by age 5, 98% of parents reported using one or more forms of psychological aggression and the rate remains in the 90% range up to age 17 years. The rates for severe psychological aggression however differed according to the children’s age groups. It was less common in the younger age group (10-20% for toddlers) and increased progressively to 50% for teenagers. The average number of overall and severe episodes was 21 and 8 respectively over the last 12 months. Given that this is a self-reporting survey, these figures are expected to be an underestimate of actual rates of prevalence.
There is no local data but given the cultural characteristics of contemporary Chinese parent-child values and practices, the rates are expected to be greater than in Western cultures5; my experience and gut feeling tell me that Christian families are not spared.
“If it is so common, it must be OK”
Disciplining a child is a parental responsibility and biblical injunction. However, screaming and yelling is not an acceptable disciplinary tactic. As far as I know there are no advocates of screaming as a parenting style. To say that it is unchristian is to put it mildly. There are at least 3 reasons why you should not scream when dealing with kids:
1. A screaming parent demonstrates that he/she has lost control.
There a many valid reasons why a parent may ‘lose it’ but if the parent is not in control, he/she cannot be in charge. Each parent is solely responsible for his/her emotional response. Prov 29.11 says, “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.”
Hal Runkel2 defines being in charge as the ability to inspire your children to motivate themselves; a radical shift from controlling their behaviour and decisions. Parenting is not a set of tricks for manipulating the child into obeying but the building of a special relationship between parent and child. When a parent screams, the tone does not inspire and its content tears down relationship.
2. Psychological aggression has adverse effects on children.
Parental verbal aggression is associated with negative effects on children’s self-esteem and school marks6 and higher rates of physical aggression, delinquency and interpersonal problems with other children7. Dr Ketterman3 describes it graphically- To a child, screaming is like a cancer. When that screaming enters a child’s ears, it quickly spreads, killing the child’s fragile cells of growing self-esteem. Without healthy self-esteem, the child cannot achieve his or her God-given potential and will become increasingly anxious, insecure and often angry.
3. Screaming and yelling at our children is contrary to biblical teachings on speech and conduct.
The Bible has clear teachings in this area. Col 4:6 says, “Let your conversation be always full of grace.” Jas 1:19-20 admonishes, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.”
The Bible uses striking metaphors to warn of the immense power of the tongue. Words are weapons- spears, swords and arrows (Ps 57:4, 64:4, Jer 9:8). It is a bit in the horses’ mouth, the rudder of a ship and the spark that can set the forest ablaze. Its influence out of proportion to its size and should not be underestimated. (Jas 3:2-12)
Screaming at our kids is wrong. Many parents do it because it seems to work. It then has a way of becoming a habit and these parents continue to do it even when it no longer works. Habits are difficult to break. Stop it before it becomes a habit. If it has become a habit, acknowledge that it is wrong and take personal responsibility for your emotional outbursts. That is the first step to discovering the many other Christ-like alternatives to screaming and yelling at your kids.
References:
1.The Straits Times, 24 July 2010;p.E1-2
2.Hal Edward Runkel, ScreamFree Parenting (2007); Colorado: WaterBrook Press.
3.Pat Holt, Grace Ketterman, When you feel like screaming: help for frustrated mothers (2001); Colorado: WaterBrook Press.
4.MA Straus, CJ Field, Psychological Aggression by American Parents: National Data on Prevalence, Chronicity and Severity. J Marriage and Family (2003);65, p.795-808.
5.CSK Tang, Adolescent Abuse in Hong Kong Chinese Families. Child Abuse & Neglect (1996);20, p.873-878.
6.CR Solomon, F Serres. Effects of parental verbal aggression on children’s self-esteem and school marks. Child Abuse & Neglect (1999);23, p.339-351.
7.YM Vissing, MA Straus. Verbal aggression by parents and psychosocial problems of children. Child Abuse & Neglect (1991); 15, p.223-238.
